Phew.......
It's one of those nights tonight where you turn all the lights off, light a candle, put on a Jeff Buckley album, close your eyes and be so so silent.... I haven't been able to find my Jeff Buckley album in ages though (and it breaks my heart) so instead I'll choose another release and just start writing.
It's one of those oh-so-rare nights when a) I'm home and b) Jess isn't. She is the absolute best and I'd be lonely as hell without her but sometimes I think back to and miss the nights last summer when she was away in Wales and I lived alone, no friends in a big city. Nights where I'd stay up til the wee witching hours of the morning just listening to music, thinking and drifting and searching the sky for stars that never appeared. How simple it all seemed!
Not that life is so outstandingly complex for me right now, maybe it's just that I don't have any quiet nights to myself anymore, that it's all a bit too loud, a bit too much is going on, if only in my head.
At work, I'm running a mile a minute, physically and mentally. These things always happen in waves and right now our floor is going through a wave of very sick patients that require a lot of support, in every sense of the term. It scares me sometimes at how intense my job is and how I come home utterly exhausted after a 12 hour shift. Call me crazy but I love it all the same, I'm good at helping people and knowing that is a feeling like no other.
I can't stop thinking ahead though and have somehow convinced myself to do something that I thought wasn't possible.......go back to school. Insert inexplicably rude four-letter words here. WTF? Why do I torture myself so? In all fairness, it would only be one online course and one part-time intensive six week course at George Brown College but the thought of facing a tortuous class room setting again induces vomiting for me. A gal's got to be brave though and I want to earn my ER nursing certification. Not that I ever ever want to work in an ER (BLECH!), I'm just thinking to the future when I want to go back to Africa/wherever and all the NGO's will be looking for ER experience and know-how. Besides, even if I don't ever go back, that's the ultimate nursing course, the be-all and end-all of facing any kind of situation, on the job or not.
Perhaps I want to take the course just to keep me busy this winter though. I've now noticed that for the past month or so, every day that I've had off work, I've left the city. Whether it's to Barrie to look after my sick old beloved golden retriever, going to the beach with Jess, going camping with Jolan or visiting friends in all corners of Ontario, I've left and I've loved it. Toronto is stiffling, and I'm not just talking of the heat. Everything is on such a grand scale and it wears you out, it wears you out. I leave to hear myself think. Looking ahead to the winter now is pretty intimidating. I very strongly disliked my first Toronto winter: so cold, so grey, so hard to get around (sans bicyclette) and a lot less to do. The ER course will be beneficial, if only for the fact that it'll keep me occupied during those cold months.
Man I'm sounding like such a downer right now. Apologies, don't mean to be so glib, just trying to free my mind of unnnecessary clutter right now so that I soon fall into an untroubled peaceful deep sleep.
I actually am really happy right now guys. Promise. Sometimes though your mind gets bogged down by thoughts that only slow you down. And the only way to get rid of them sometimes is to throw them down on paper. Or computer I guess. In any case, it's time for me to find an album that suits the mood and mellow out. I'll leave on a happy note, one that looks ahead with optimism, much like my overall situation: at the end of August Jolan and I will be making that grand roadtrip back up to Tobermory and will be spending a week of fun and sun and r&r in my uncle's cottage right on Georgian Bay. A dream come true, how much more perfect does it get? Hiking on the Bruce trail, canoeing, swimming in the Grotto, the Sweet Shop, the fish & chip place, the sunsets, the campfires......
And of course the stars......
And the quiet......
It's one of those oh-so-rare nights when a) I'm home and b) Jess isn't. She is the absolute best and I'd be lonely as hell without her but sometimes I think back to and miss the nights last summer when she was away in Wales and I lived alone, no friends in a big city. Nights where I'd stay up til the wee witching hours of the morning just listening to music, thinking and drifting and searching the sky for stars that never appeared. How simple it all seemed!
Not that life is so outstandingly complex for me right now, maybe it's just that I don't have any quiet nights to myself anymore, that it's all a bit too loud, a bit too much is going on, if only in my head.
At work, I'm running a mile a minute, physically and mentally. These things always happen in waves and right now our floor is going through a wave of very sick patients that require a lot of support, in every sense of the term. It scares me sometimes at how intense my job is and how I come home utterly exhausted after a 12 hour shift. Call me crazy but I love it all the same, I'm good at helping people and knowing that is a feeling like no other.
I can't stop thinking ahead though and have somehow convinced myself to do something that I thought wasn't possible.......go back to school. Insert inexplicably rude four-letter words here. WTF? Why do I torture myself so? In all fairness, it would only be one online course and one part-time intensive six week course at George Brown College but the thought of facing a tortuous class room setting again induces vomiting for me. A gal's got to be brave though and I want to earn my ER nursing certification. Not that I ever ever want to work in an ER (BLECH!), I'm just thinking to the future when I want to go back to Africa/wherever and all the NGO's will be looking for ER experience and know-how. Besides, even if I don't ever go back, that's the ultimate nursing course, the be-all and end-all of facing any kind of situation, on the job or not.
Perhaps I want to take the course just to keep me busy this winter though. I've now noticed that for the past month or so, every day that I've had off work, I've left the city. Whether it's to Barrie to look after my sick old beloved golden retriever, going to the beach with Jess, going camping with Jolan or visiting friends in all corners of Ontario, I've left and I've loved it. Toronto is stiffling, and I'm not just talking of the heat. Everything is on such a grand scale and it wears you out, it wears you out. I leave to hear myself think. Looking ahead to the winter now is pretty intimidating. I very strongly disliked my first Toronto winter: so cold, so grey, so hard to get around (sans bicyclette) and a lot less to do. The ER course will be beneficial, if only for the fact that it'll keep me occupied during those cold months.
Man I'm sounding like such a downer right now. Apologies, don't mean to be so glib, just trying to free my mind of unnnecessary clutter right now so that I soon fall into an untroubled peaceful deep sleep.
I actually am really happy right now guys. Promise. Sometimes though your mind gets bogged down by thoughts that only slow you down. And the only way to get rid of them sometimes is to throw them down on paper. Or computer I guess. In any case, it's time for me to find an album that suits the mood and mellow out. I'll leave on a happy note, one that looks ahead with optimism, much like my overall situation: at the end of August Jolan and I will be making that grand roadtrip back up to Tobermory and will be spending a week of fun and sun and r&r in my uncle's cottage right on Georgian Bay. A dream come true, how much more perfect does it get? Hiking on the Bruce trail, canoeing, swimming in the Grotto, the Sweet Shop, the fish & chip place, the sunsets, the campfires......
And of course the stars......
And the quiet......
posted by messh68 @ 12:35 AM
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